I literally spent hours I can't take back searching the internet, and it was so anxiety provoking. I'm not kidding, and if you ask me what I was searching for I'd never admit that I didn't know. Maybe I was just trying to shut out the world around me by delving into the dark hole of google. Whoa, If you could've seen how I was just click clacking, tap, tap, tap, tap and back spacing for what seem like hours. I refused to ask my family what they wanted for dinner, and I tuned everyone out while they all fended for themselves in the kitchen. I continued to search for the more. Meanwhile, I knew I wanted to unplug, but being too busy for others felt somehow good tonight. I didn't answer my phone as my two year old took it over watching baby TV. He actually knows how to swipe red to end a call when people are calling, and this time I didn't stop him. My dog was looking like she wanted someone to take her for a walk and so did I, so I puppy faced her back. Finally my husband ask me what I was doing, I said research...lol. It sounded important as I was looking up some new grants for my business, but in the back of mind I knew it was something that could've waited. Tonight I made a choice to just tap, tap, tap louder so they could hear the importance of my role as mother and wife. Now I'm very aware that this complex nature that I was born with has it's proud moments, but unapologetically I kept on tap, tap, tapping . It wasn't fair that my sweet face 2 year old would obnoxiously grab my face to kiss me and say, "I WUB you so much." Nope I'm not falling for the family set up because I know how fast the years go by, he will be asking me for my car keys because his car is out of gas just like my adult child did before I started tapping. My husband was watching Monday night football and I'm sure he thought I was gonna make the effort to spark up a chat about the day, but I didn't. I was taking advantage of my tap control even if this was an experiment of my heart battle with thanksgiving.
Oh no! My tapping is slowing down, the house is still, but I have them all right where I want them, in the bed. The tapping is not as fun now that everyone is in the bed, I think I'll end my search, besides I kind of miss them. It's late and I hear my daughter calling me from the basement asking me if I am ok? Why would something be wrong..lol? Ok, I'll admit this thanksgiving rebellion wasn't the norm and it was also short lived. I guess the heart of my family is the only tapping I want but I was checking the wrong search engine. There is a wonderful translation of Psalm 50:23: " The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me; to the one who orders his way rightly I will show the salvation of God." If we carefully examine our attitudes and behaviors and surrender them to God he will meet us where we are, and maybe God is trying to tap, tap, tap on my heart? Every behavior is a result of an unmet need, but what did I need from God? And why wasn't I asking? What was my need in that moment? It was simple I needed to acknowledge that I was feeling tired.
I know that God loves a heart and attitude of thanksgiving and if you let me get Naked with truth I've been on the opposite side of a noisy house, with no thanksgiving meal to prepare. God help me activate my A.R.T. ( activate right thinking). There was nothing wrong with the souls that filled my room, the noise that hovered over me, the toys that I stepped over, the many times they asked me what's for dinner, and the many kisses that piled my face. Isn't it true that when we began to be thankful for what God has provided that he intervenes for us. As the house got still I began to tap into my thankfulness, thank you for this thanksgiving and the expectant meal you will provide and prepare for us through these hands and those who will help. Thank you for my family, this home and the messy toys I get to pick up as a reminder of the gift you have given us. I don't deserve your grace, but I thank you for the tapping hearts that fill this house daily. Father I will be intentional about why my family is such a gift to me, and I will start to pray for our hearts and souls to get quiet so that we will experience the miracle of God's love on this thanksgiving and all of the grace we will receive in our imperfect quilt of family. Thank you for the power of thankfulness.